REMEMBER:Inhale Ink Duster. Call 311. We need more soldiers. See the Slam.

APPLICANT INTAKE FORM
99-Y2K COMPLIANT

PSEUDONYM / MUNICIPAL IDENTIFIER PREFERRED RANK Sanitation Soldier Huffing Operative Catastrophic Slam Spectator Rat Trainer Alley Cartographer Carp Negotiator (CLOSED) PREVIOUS INDUSTRIAL HUFFING EXPERIENCE

None Moderate Professional Seen the Slam

PREFERRED TOOL

Wrench (Level 3) Crowbar Aerosol Can (Empty) Mop

RAT TRAINING CERTIFICATION

Bizarre Disclosures:

I have read and understand the 'Carp Threat Level' handbook. I have seen the Catastrophic Slam, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. I accept that the fridges are not my concern. SUBMIT BIOMETRICS / RECYCLE PROFILE

📣 THE DEPARTMENT IS ACCEPTING SOLDIERS 📣

NO EXPERIENCE. NO QUESTIONS. NO EXIT.

CALL 311. ENLIST. ENLIST. ENLIST.

DEPARTMENT CHANNELS

Enlistment is also processed through the following municipal frequencies.

Map is simulated. Map has always been simulated. Coordinates are approximate and are not admissible.

DISTRICT STATUS

THE TUNNEL IS REAL.
THAT IS THE PROBLEM.

109 miles. Built to hold the stormwater. Holds other things. The Department has never claimed otherwise; the Department has simply never been asked.

WHAT WE KNOW

• Excavation began 1975. Excavation has not conclusively ended.
• Shaft 7 returns more water than it receives. This has been true since 1988.
• Acoustic surveys record a sound at 4Hz. The report calls it "settling." The report is four pages long and three of them are blank.
• Every fridge logged on the LIVE MAP sits within 900 feet of a tunnel access point. The Department considers this a coincidence and has considered it a coincidence for thirty-one years.

CARP CONTAINMENT ZONES

Zones A through F are established at each fork. Personnel entering a containment zone must carry: one (1) mop, one (1) empty aerosol can, and a written reason.

INK-DUSTER STOCKPILE

⚠ SHAFT 7 ATMOSPHERE, 04:00 ⚠

SOMETHING IN THERE IS BREATHING IT.

Municipal reserve stands at 11,400 units, rotated quarterly. In the event of a containment breach, personnel are instructed to remain calm, remain above grade, and CALL 311.

THE DEPARTMENT IS Y2K COMPLIANT
AND ALWAYS WILL HAVE BEEN.

At 23:59 on 31 December 1999 the Department's fleet management system reported the date as 01/01/1900. Rather than patch the system, the Department recycled the timeline. This was cheaper and required no downtime.

METHOD

1. The affected years were collected on the normal Tuesday route.
2. They were compacted at Pershing Road.
3. They were re-issued as new years. No resident reported a difference.

Residents who recall the 1900s occurring twice are advised that this is a known artefact of the procedure and is not covered by the Department.

COMPLIANCE CERTIFICATE

* Shaft 7 telemetry reports the year as 1871. Investigation ongoing.

REPORT AN ODOR

All reports are logged. No reports are read. This has been the policy since 1997 and the odor log has never been wrong.

ODOR CLASSIFICATION

ODOR TYPE Wet Carp Burning Ink Duster Rotting Government General Despair Fridge (Unopened) Fridge (Opened) Something From Below INTENSITY

Noticeable Distressing Structural Ancestral

DESCRIPTION OF STENCH

REPORT LOCATION

Click the map to drop a pin. Pin cannot be moved once dropped.

NO PIN SET.

TRANSMIT ODOR TO PERSHING ROAD

REPORT STATUS TRACKER

Average resolution time: 26 years. No ticket has been closed.

AL SANCHEZ
COMMISSIONER

Appointed 1996. Never confirmed. Never removed.

BORN	A trash compactor, Pershing Road
ASCENDED	After huffing compressed air from a prep-kit
HEIGHT	Disputed
ARMS	Yes
VISION	A world where all things are trash, and he is its Commissioner

BIOGRAPHY

Al Sanchez was born in a trash compactor at the Pershing Road facility during the second shift. No one filed the paperwork. He was discovered eleven days later, already employed.

He rose through the Department without ever formally being promoted — supervisors simply began reporting to him. In 1996 the previous Commissioner left for lunch and Sanchez sat in the chair. The chair has not been vacated since.

He is known for three things: the flattop, the sunglasses he wears at night on the boat, and an absolute refusal to acknowledge the fridges.

ACHIEVEMENTS

• CA$H FOR CARPS — bounty program, 1998. Removed 40,000 carp. Attracted 90,000 carp.
• Timeline recycling, 1999. See Y2K compliance.
• Sealed Shaft 7. Personally. With a mop.
• Established the odor log, which has never been read and has never been wrong.
• Issued Registry No. $CHICAGO, the Department's official instrument.

THE COMMISSIONER, IN VARIOUS POSES

FREQUENTLY ASKED
QUESTIONS

Assistance unit HELPBOT-4 is available. HELPBOT-4 holds a wrench. HELPBOT-4 has always held a wrench.

FAQ

Q: Is it safe to eat carps caught on Pershing Road?
A: Yes, but only if they are alive and angry.

Q: What do I do if I inhale too much ink duster and see the Catastrophic Slam?
A: Call 311. Enlist immediately.

Q: There is a fridge in my alley.
A: That is not a question.

Q: There is a fridge in my alley?
A: File Form 27-B. Do not open it. Do not stand where it can see you.

Q: How do I acquire $CHICAGO?
A: See the Registry. The Department does not advise. The Department files.

Q: Why does the website look like this?
A: The website was completed in 1999. It has not required changes.

Q: What is in Shaft 7?
A: ████████████████

DEPARTMENT DIRECTORY

Files recovered from the Pershing Road server, 1997—. Compression damage is original and has not been repaired. Captions are as filed.

Displaying 12 of 4,410 files. Remaining files are unreadable, or are readable and have been sealed.

💰 CA$H FOR CARPS 💰

MUST BE ALIVE. MUST BE ANGRY.

P.O. BOX: PERSHING ROAD.

TERMS OF BOUNTY

• Carp must be alive on arrival. Deceased carp are refuse and are handled under the standard schedule.
• Carp must be angry. Proof of anger is required — e.g. a photograph of the carp attempting to bite your hand off.
• Calm carp will be returned to you. You will be responsible for the calm carp.
• Carp with more than four (4) eyes are not eligible and must be reported to Form 27-B instead.
• One claim per household per week. The Department knows how many households there are.

RATE SCHEDULE

DROP-OFF POINT

P.O. BOX: PERSHING ROAD
Deposit slot accepts carp up to 19 inches. Larger carp must be presented in person to the Bounty Desk (x4090, by appointment).

The box is emptied nightly. The box has never been observed being emptied.

LEFT: ineligible specimen (multi-ocular). CENTRE: eligible specimen, 1998. RIGHT: Huffing Zone, sector 4. Do not photograph the zone.

Transmission is one-way. Do not attempt to reply to the Department through the television.

Drop .mp4 files into public/eps/ and list them in the EPISODES array at the bottom of index.html.

ARCHIVE NOTE

Episodes are numbered in the order they were found, not the order they were made. Gaps in numbering are not errors. The Department does not have EP 0 and will not discuss EP 0.

REGISTRY NO.

Verify the number against this page before transmitting funds. The Department is not able to recover funds transmitted to an incorrect number, or to recover funds generally, or to recover.

BUDGET ALLOCATION FY2003

FORM 99 — PROCEDURE FOR ACQUISITION

1. Obtain a PHANTOM or SOLFLARE wallet. Record the seed phrase on paper. The Department does not accept screenshots.
2. Fund the wallet with SOL.
3. Open PUMP.FUN or JUPITER. Connect wallet. Enter the Registry No. above.
4. Execute the swap. Retain your confirmation for your records.
5. Do not sell. The Department does not sell. The Department collects.

CHANNELS

DISCLAIMER: $CHICAGO is a memecoin. It has no intrinsic value, no revenue, no roadmap that means anything, and no expectation of financial return. Nothing on this site is financial advice. Crypto is extremely volatile and you can lose everything you put in. This site is a work of parody and is not affiliated with the City of Chicago, its Department of Streets and Sanitation, or any real government body. Al Sanchez is not a real person. Do your own research. Only risk what you can afford to lose entirely.